Hula Hoop Olympics

The game of human ring toss is constantly accused of corruption. The person who is supposed to stand straight as a pillar, they’re the ones who get called out for leaning this way and that, but really, if a hula-hoop is heading towards your face, you’d flinch. It’s especially difficult in groups of seventeen or more, the minimum number for an Olympic team. Hula hoops crashing into each other and sliding in between the people-pillars. It’s rare that one lands, and when it does the cry of ‘cheat’ rings through the auditorium.

Also, the urge to swivel slightly as a hula-hoop descends upon you is nigh impossible to resist. But that’s how the judges get you. Each judge claiming that the technology of their sponsor company is best suited for fraud detection. ‘My _____Co See-o-meter caught that better than the spy satellites.’


Everyone gets awarded a zero point zero which is the only thing about the sport that makes sense to me. If the judges are all shills for competing corporations, then it makes sense they would award no score to the opposing team. In fact, the judges want to be the center of attention, but who are they really? It could be a lottery. Maybe I got my notice in the mail today. That’s right. They use snail mail which is why no one has caught onto this system yet. All through school I hated sports and was picked on by the jocks, blah blah blah . . . now it’s my turn. Whatever company selected me for this honor, I will be loyal unto death.