Syllabus for No-History Class

“I fear I’ve said too much.”


- What makes history?

 Once upon a time the inventors were the outcasts. By the light of a tiny fire within the shed s/he engaged in a global symposium on the Baryon Asymmetry - while outside, the tribal drums grew loud with the celebration of sacrifice.

 At break of dawn, the Baroness gave birth in the cold and crystalized dew-fields. She should have been attended by her sympathizer, a horseman from a neighboring town who knew the father. The father would be killed should his wayward wanderings be discovered. The horseman was late and beheld a bloody steaming bog of melted grass. Assuming wolves, he whistled away the morning. A wagon-train topped the next misty hill. Their matriarchs smelled birth a mile away. The infant joined the wagon-train while the Baroness herself became undone in the mist. She is known as the Wolf Cloud-Mother, and her face is visible in the sky. Sometimes surrounding the red night, but more often, baring the fangs of mourning.

You may have witnessed such an event on the commuter bus.

Tomorrow, an argument will occur between the Turkey Tarantula, and King of the Elephants. Of course, anything involving a king is assumed to be of historical significance, but here is an exception. Someone has a higher haystack than is allotted for by fire safety. If the elephant sits on the barn, there’s no telling where all the spiders will go. Is that what you want?


- Timelines to be Negated:

Everyone will fail this section since the negation of something is in fact, a positive reinforcement.

Linear: The yearning of leaves toward the sun is what inspired the formation of the Plant People. They stand in rows, with their feet in the dirt, arms extended. More adventurous ones stand on their heads, with their feet supporting the sky. When that accomplished at best, a garden of skeletons, they started standing on each other, building human pyramids, and other cheerleady nonsense.

As a history syllabus, we are supposed to be impartial, but please. There’s a reason for the space between things and if the sun wanted to be reached by a junk pile, then all the planets would be log-shaped.

Cyclical: The record skips when the cat rubs her face against the cabinet. Interrupts the knitting. Ancient Lady Toad-Web scans the room, glasses at the tip of her nose. The sound resumes. A lecture on walls. Wall theory. The outside wears so many scarves while the inside is naked and particle-built.


- History of No-History:

Whatever happened to puppet shows? The sock’s shadow is a mucousy eel singing to children about crossing the street. The blind cave mole becomes strawberry pie beneath the semi-tires. Whose idea was this? The children are trapped, mid-highway, in the vortex of screeching metal and blaring horns. The horns remind them of their duck-friend, Mallard St. Honkers, who is an upside-down paper bag with bits taped to the front, so he is no help. He flies erratically in the air currents. Things only get worse for our heroes, so it is little wonder no one bothered to finish this tale.


- Yourself in this Class

Experiencing: First I did this, and then I did that, and then I also did that because I am just so interesting and multi-dimensional. You know what I think? I think everything about everything. I feel so strongly about it all and it’s not my fault if you choose bad. Go die!

Remembering: The luckiest choice I ever made was to side-step the plague and become King of Corpses. I worked my way to the top of the pus-pile. You worms and maggots today have everything because of me. Squish squish.


- The Final

Multiple choice:

Ghosts built this creaky house, or else they dance to the music of collapse.

If you pick the flower, turn to page {pu} and await your doom. 

Flash Flood Warning: The owls double in their reflections. Occasionally catches a mouse-fish. 

Secrets travel fastest through the grass; but who stops to listen? One of those cows knows alllll about you, oh yes. (A tale as old as time . . .)