Every Social Media Profile Ever

Welcome to my page. Technology is so amazing nowadays, allowing us to communicate around the world. We can catch up with childhood friends, far away relatives, and former teachers. I feel so privileged to be alive at this moment. Like I’m sure all of you visiting, I grew up just a little smarter and more sensitive than all those around me. The religion of my parents was not spiritual enough, so I became an eternal seeker. After college, I got a job which I could run so much better than those fat one-percenters who are in charge and the place would totally collapse without me, but my job isn’t who I am, you know? Of course you do. I’m in a very healthy relationship with no problems and we’re the cutest couple in any situation. I’m very socially active, everyone knows my opinion on everything and I have yet to ever change my mind. When out with friends at a comedy show, I can totally riff with the comics and they love it. My social life is so rewarding. You can tell that those older than me have never had friends or gone out.

Sadly, my past relatives, acquaintances and loved ones are not doing so well. I can’t help them at all though, they made their own decisions. It’s just so sad to see someone swim around in delusion while the rest of us get on with our lives, you know?

For instance,

T___ C___: One of my earliest friends from kindergarten, I went over to his house or he went over to mine almost every weekend. We learned how to ride bikes together, ate McDonalds all the time. Watched horror movies, had our first relationships at the same time, anyway, he became a redneck like his dad and stuck both his feet in two bear traps simultaneously and bled to death. Yeah.

S___ B____: I was in school plays with her. We thought we would be in the Oscars together. She fell headfirst into a dry-cleaning bag and suffocated, pulling the string of the bag shut while trying to get out. Yeah.

E___ M___: was someone I was mean to in kindergarten just because I thought she was fat. I know, I was a child and kids body-shame. That’s changing now. I’m not a parent, but all my friends with kids know that I would do a better job than they do. Anyways, EM was always nice to me which makes her a sweetheart. Anyways, she drank paint for some reason even though the bottle of Kool-Aid was right next to her . . . anyway.

G___ M____: He was a bully to me in elementary school, but in junior high we became friends because we all smoked weed, and anyone who smokes weed automatically becomes your ally. He slept underneath a truck to keep warm one night, and in the morning, when it was time for the truck to leave . . . yeah.

Mr. R____ J___, I think his name was. Can you believe he was only 22? That seems crazy young to me now to be teaching. Anyways, he was boning one of the other young teachers and they were the envy of all the other old teachers. He had his whole life ahead of him, in retrospect. Told me that everything I touched would turn to gold. He fell off a cliff during a marathon.

Ahh, Mrs. P____: My second grade teacher. She was so supportive of everything I did and even called my parents out of the blue to say how charmed she was by me and how smart she thought I was. Turns out, her husband was a bit of a home mechanic and she drowned in a molten-metal spill. Poured all over her head. Just a screaming skull with patches of red skin and singed hair sitting atop a flower dress.

And who could forget K____ H___: My true love. Soulmates. Introduced me to the concept, in fact. Died in a fast food joint at the hands (and teeth) of a bath-salts crazed cannibal.

Just a few of the people I’ve tried to get in touch with. It’s strange that no one has tried to contact me, but you know, people are so self-absorbed.